I have come the conclusion that I can never be the woman I strive to be. I will never be the mother my children deserve (but i will never stop trying), and it doesn't matter if i try to be a good hearted person, or try to do what i believe is right...in fact, each time i think I'm doing something right, it normally backfires and I'm later told how i made the situation worse. I can try to be sexy, i can be honest, faithful, supportive, fun...but it will never be good enough. Not good enough to make others happy, and never good enough for my own standards.
So here's the question:
Should i keep trying to be all i thought i could be (and continue failing miserably), or speak up and defend myself and my right to be mad and to hold grudges and cross invisible boundaries, and be hated?
But since I'm already so awful and make people in my life so miserable...would it really change anything for them? Would it just make me feel less powerless and less subserviant.
Someone could aggressively fuck the crazy out of my brain. I’m not saying it would make me feel better, but i don’t think could make it worse.
…sigh… I don’t even know how to feel sometimes. Fuck it, I’m going bed.